The Mysterious Black Sarcophagus Has Been Opened

Illustration for article titled The Mysterious Black Sarcophagus Has Been Opened
Screenshot: The Mummy Returns/Universal

Looks like they finally got that big ass sarcophagus open! What was inside?

Sewage water and an unbearable stench!!!! Surprise!

According to the BBC, translated from Egyptian news outlet El-Watan, Egypt’s Ministry of Antiquities hired a team of archaeologists to open the tomb. They lifted the top off (heh) just two inches before having to slam it down because it smelled like 2,000 years of decaying flesh and poop, or whatever.

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When they finally figured out how to get over the smell (unspecified by news outlets) they found the remains of three bodies, so, yeah, probably not Alexander the Great:

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Mostafa Waziri, secretary-general of the Supreme Council of Antiquities told the BBC:

“We found the bones of three people, in what looks like a family burial... Unfortunately the mummies inside were not in the best condition and only the bones remain.

We’ve opened it and, thank God, the world has not fallen into darkness. I was the first to put my whole head inside the sarcophagus... and here I stand before you...I am fine.”

No mummy’s curse for us, unfortunately—unless we’re already living it.

Senior Writer, Jezebel. My debut book, LARGER THAN LIFE: A History of Boy Bands, is out now.

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DISCUSSION

woetothedownpressors
woetothedownpressors

We’ve opened it and, thank God, the world has not fallen into darkness. I was the first to put my whole head inside the sarcophagus... and here I stand before you...I am fine.

I don’t believe that guy. In all likelihood, some ancient entity from the underworld has claimed his soul and now wearing his flesh. Soon the doom of humanity will be revealed to all.